Mia J

paint it golden with the sunrise.

When I left home, I lost close friends. Just because our lives were no longer relevant. Are we "friends"? Yes, of course. Are we close? No. However, that was expected. When I came here, losing close friends was not on the top of my to-do list. But, it happened.

I am not one to make friends and then, things evolve and change, and all of a sudden theyre forgotten.In reality, friendships are essentially meant to be effortless, just there. Really because thats what a friend is supposed to be. Someone you dont have to try hard to be around. Literally, lacking effort. If you have to try in the everyday world, at the end of the day, having to "try" with a friend would be no different. They're the small group of people who you can talk to about the world and escape from it together, as well. And of course there are exceptions, times when there is a need for effort but, a constant one? No. Becuase then it becomes part of the other, the part where it's hard work.

I am one to rely and to be relied on. I'll listen until my ears literally fall of. But, thats how i think friendships are built. You can talk and I can talk and it will be heard. There is an understanding, a respect and a value. And, of course laughter. But what happens when that becomes not woth it, when the ears you have to listen and the smiles are not good enough anymore?

I have tried to fix it, to be a different kind of friend, but any and all versions are unwanted. My worth is lacking, no longer needed and shut out. I have other friends, of course, ones who I can not thank enough for being exactly who they are, and love with my whole heart, every single day. But, there is this lingering feeling of worthlessness that wont leave. 

Will I be strong to accept ths change? of course. Will it be hard? of course. And I'd like to believe that it's when youre here that you realize,  the ones who dont find you worth it, who don’t think twice about forgetting you,will in the end, just be a moment in time, a blip on your radar, a distant memory that you have the power to relive or forget.

I'm reaching but the rest is up to you.

Recently, I have been letting things that I do define who I am, instead of defining myself. I let people assume I am who I am because I do x,y and z. I think that is the key I have been missing in building relationships with people. I have been lacking a personal connection. I feel the need to prove myself to them, instead of letting them get to know me. I want them to see me in a certain light, mostly because I, in a way, fear their judgments, and I have been completely avoiding any other type of interaction.

I have realized because of this, I have been holding myself back from being able to be completely comfortable in my own skin here. I hold others as better than. I watch others do things and envy who they are without realizing the greatness of the things I do. Sometimes I need to step forward and be a strong confident person, knowing who I am and what I am capable of. Aside from that, I really need truly believe that instead of just pretending I do so others see me that way. 

This whole time, it has been me. I have had the capability to change all this by simply seeing it in myself.

Things are going to happen as they will but at the end of the day I just need to be proud of what I've done, the decisions I make and the person I am. Though that, others will be able to do the same, I just have to let them.

So maybe, it's time for me to open up in a different way for people to accept me for all of the things that I am, to build relationships that go deeper than things we have common and maybe my little world will get a bit bigger.

Top Five...things that make me happy right now

1. My scarf

2. The flower on my desk

3. Tuesdays

4. My new room

5. Sara Barelles 

whats yours...

lightining settles when you speak.

In situations where I find things not going my way, I tend to blame myself first. How can I change to make the situation better? What did I do? What can I do? And today, I realized that sometimes it isn't me at all. Sometimes, it's others and their decisions and actions. I need to feel strong in who I am as a person and continue on the way I see fit. Other people need to sort out who they are and what they're doing and if that means right now, we don't mesh, then that's what it means.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller

I have issues with things changing. Before Christmas break, I did not want to leave. Then, when it was over, I did not want to come back. I get anxious about things, I guess cause I've never done this before. I don't know what to expect and it makes me nervous. Did things change? Absolutely. Are they for the better? I guess we'll see. But, it's tough being back and finding a new routine, a new way about things and functioning with the changes. The one thing I can say is that I plan on doing it with out stopping and looking back. Why? Because I've heard it been said that the happiest people are those who let the past be the past. So, I shall do just that and keeeeep going.

One thing I like to do when I start something new, like this semester, is set goals, and you should too. They don't have to be concrete but, something to aim for. I feel like without goals, there is no purpose. With out goals, it's easier to get lost in the middle. Just a thought. 

Top Five...things that make me happy right now

1. New Roomie =]

2. Gilmore Girls

3. iPhone!

4. McFlurry Date

5. When my bed is made.