When I left home, I lost close friends. Just because our lives were no longer relevant. Are we "friends"? Yes, of course. Are we close? No. However, that was expected. When I came here, losing close friends was not on the top of my to-do list. But, it happened.
I am not one to make friends and then, things evolve and change, and all of a sudden theyre forgotten.In reality, friendships are essentially meant to be effortless, just there. Really because thats what a friend is supposed to be. Someone you dont have to try hard to be around. Literally, lacking effort. If you have to try in the everyday world, at the end of the day, having to "try" with a friend would be no different. They're the small group of people who you can talk to about the world and escape from it together, as well. And of course there are exceptions, times when there is a need for effort but, a constant one? No. Becuase then it becomes part of the other, the part where it's hard work.
I am one to rely and to be relied on. I'll listen until my ears literally fall of. But, thats how i think friendships are built. You can talk and I can talk and it will be heard. There is an understanding, a respect and a value. And, of course laughter. But what happens when that becomes not woth it, when the ears you have to listen and the smiles are not good enough anymore?
I have tried to fix it, to be a different kind of friend, but any and all versions are unwanted. My worth is lacking, no longer needed and shut out. I have other friends, of course, ones who I can not thank enough for being exactly who they are, and love with my whole heart, every single day. But, there is this lingering feeling of worthlessness that wont leave.
Will I be strong to accept ths change? of course. Will it be hard? of course. And I'd like to believe that it's when youre here that you realize, the ones who dont find you worth it, who don’t think twice about forgetting you,will in the end, just be a moment in time, a blip on your radar, a distant memory that you have the power to relive or forget.
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